I dont understand this weightloss thing or Slow and Steady wins the...

Buzzzzz.....nah that's not the sound either

Okay okay okay...so i've been pretty good this week,especially with the food, not as much with the hardcore excercise but still...i'm being consistant (ish) and people keep saying you may not see pounds lost but you will see inches.....beeennnnhhhh (that was the sound of a buzzer by the way) wrong. It's that time again so i hopped (stepped gingerly) on the scale and peeked through my fingers which were covering my eyes at the scale...and then smiled and sighed with relief. Then I brought out the measuring tape, compared notes and promptly called my mommy to whine.....i dont get my body. It's looking better, feeling smaller and tighter  but.....
                                                                                                                                                                  

So anyway, the results for the week are as follows:
Weight: -2lbs (whoo hoo) for a total of  6lbs in 3 weeks. Respecatable yes?
Arms....maybe .5 an inch since the beginning...it's hard to tell because my tape measurer sucks
chest: nada (whoo hoo...maybe i'll get to keep them!!!)
stomach -.5 for a total of 3inches in 3 weeks
hips: -.5 for a whopping 1.5...boooooooooo uuuuuurrrrrnnnnnns
ass: -.5....see above
thighs:-1 for a total of 3.5.....someday maybe i will see the light of day through them.....maybe.
I am not "disappointed" per se...but c'mon body...work with me...I am being so much better to you, why cant we just get along.....sigh. Alright, back to the regime....slow and steady wins...something. I forget. Oh right, the carrots. Slow and steady wins the carrots.‎

What the hell is that? or My first ab muscle.

Whoo hoo, look at that blubber fly...

So i was staring at myself in the mirror this morning when i noticed this little indent in the keg I call a stomach....i poked at it a little and twisted this way and that examining it in different lighting, at which point i discovered that there was one on the other side as well. After some long thinking, more poking and a few seconds of denial I made an amazing realization. This my friends, was a stomach muscle.....that's right, MUSCLE...in my STOMACH. I promptly did a little hip shaking dance which made my precious muscle disappear and jiggling to occur where jiggling is not supposed to occur (jello jiggles, thighs should not) so I stopped the dance and stared some more. After 2 and a half weeks of steady (ish) excercising and eating healthy (ish) and limiting my alcohol intake (ish) I have grown a muscle....or possibly burnt enough fat to allow the already there muscle to peak through. HUZZAH!!!!! Diet and excercise works.

So this is a little bit of a slower process than I had hoped. I mean, I am fairly realistic and knew that it certainly didnt take me 2 and a half weeks of over indulging to get this body, it's definitly gonna take longer to get rid of it, but isnt there always that little part of you that says...."hey, maybe I'll be the "results are not typical" girl on the commercials that loses like 40 lbs in 6 weeks and looks hot on TV." Alas, I am not that girl, but I am encouraged by any results because in all frank honesty, I am not working that hard and I am not denying myself that much...(wine twice a week should not a major sacrifice be). I am slowly changing my lifestyle and habits into something sustainable that will allow me to be the mom who plays tag, and goes on bike rides and teaches her kids to do cartwheels ( i can stll do a cartwheel by the way....it's pretty impressive, not gonna lie). So with that one little muscle, I am further encouraged to keep on keeping on. Hopefully after another 2 and a half weeks I will feel comfortable enough to post pictures of my newly discovered abs....until then, you get this...

Not my goal.....

Atonement or A Whopper with cheese has 670 calories apparently

Thats right, 670

Damn damn double damn....i was weak guys....so very weak. I started off strong this week pleased with last weeks results and wanting to keep the momentum going....I did my workouts, I avoided the wine and then.......my income taxes came in. Da Da DUM! On top of that, March Break happened. So not only did my excercise regime take a BIG fat doodie (haha, i said doodie) but any semblence of healthy eating went right out the window....Well this is not totally true. I was mostly good most days....but I forgot water because coffee and diet coke tasted better and i "forgot" that wine is bad bad bad in large quanities AND I forgot that anything called a Whopper, is probably not on the approved list of healthy supper alternatives. So my results today are disappointing, I'll get to them in a minute, and while I HATE the fact that I caved, I LOVE the fact that I am almost instanly shown the error of my ways....on my thighs. So here it is.

Weight: -.5lbs for a total of 4lbs lost so far

Standing on your tiptoes doesnt help....I tried

Chest: 0 for a total of 2 inches lost (that one I was ok with)
stomach: -1.5 inch for a total of 2.5 so far
Hips: -1 inch for a total of 1 inch (whoohoo, about damn time)
Tushy: -1 inch for a total of 2 so far

Now I know there are some of you saying, geez jess, at least theres no gains and all that positive cra....stuff, but the problem(s) is(are) this:
#1 I checked myself 2 days ago and I was down 2 more lbs...then i checked yesterday and i was back up one and then today back up another one...and yes I check at the same time every day and I actually check twice a day....i'm a little neurotic, what can I say. So I should have been down more pounds but I gave into temptation.
#2 It's only been 2 weeks and already I cracked under the pressure....numerous times even. It's one thing to have a slip up. It's entirely another to have a 2 day binge of slip ups.
#3 I really want these thighs gone and after such a kick ass start I was looking so forward to seeing that number change, but it hasn't because I done got lazy.

So having said all that, I am back on track. Mommas gonna get her sweat on and next week I intend to see some major results. You can count on it.

Hey look, it's a smiling dog.

Constant cravings or It turned out to be a piece of foil.

UUGGGHHHH....having a craving day. You know those days where you don't know what you want but you just want SOMETHING. I honestly cannot put my finger on it but I can tell you all the things that are peaking my interest and make me say..."hmmmmm, that might be it...maybe I should have that." I can also tell you that not one of them are on my "allowable" snacks or "acceptable" activity.( ps by acceptable activity I mean I am craving a cigerette even though I quit smoking [full time...lol] over a year ago and therefore this is not an acceptable activity. I am also craving me some wine. Not a glass of wine to sip on, I mean I am craving an honest to goodness bottle of wine to sink into "ahhhhhhhh" with. Also not an acceptable activity nor an allowable snack. Lastly, I am craving either a chocolate bar (which is pretty weird since I generally do not eat chocolate bars even before this last week) or the biggest most delicously cheesy plate of nachos you ever did see. WTF? Why? Why tonight is it suddenly so damn hard to just say no? It's not a cheat day, I havn't been lazy today and there is nothing overly stressful or exhausting about today. Why am I suddenly craving the bad stuff so bad its actually making me antsy and distracted. Ooooh look something shiny.....what is that, a nickel? No....i think it's a button. SEE!

 Thank GAWDS I smartly removed all temptation from the house. There is no nachos or chocolate, there is no delicious red wine or cigerettes. Luckily white wine is not holding any kind of appeal to me as I have literally over a dozen bottles of homemade white wine sitting down the hall from me as we speak....er.....as I type. This leads me again to the conclusion that I am not an alcoholic, I am purely a wino......whino....how does one spell that....is it even a proper word.....mmmmmm..wine....dammmmmmit, i did it again.

 I think this is where it starts to get harder because while there is some small results happening, there is quite literally no end in sight. I am apparently going to have to keep this up indefinitely . I am also realizing that since my wine theory (i.e. it's making me fat) is apparently a pretty solid theory, then if i wish to remain my goal wait once I get there, I am going to have to keep this up forever....ok now I want to give up and be fluffy....stupid blog, why cant you talk back...give me some advice.....or chocolate....oh wait I think that is a nickel......eff it, I'm going to bed before I do something stupid.

Happy St. Patty's Day....or Does drinking Diet Mountain Dew count as being festive?

So it's been a few days.....bet ya'll though I fell off the wagon and gave up. Well piss on you, cuz I did no such a thing. I am very much wagoning away. I am discovering however that all you healthy excercise type people are a bunch of lying buggers. Here, in no particular order, are the lies I have been told by dieters/excercisers/lying buggers.

#1. It gets easier with time. NUH UH! I know its only been a week and a half but guess what people....I still wanna kick Carmen Electra in her well sculpted ass each and every time she leads my work out....IT STILL HURTS. and burns. and makes me quiver. If it gets better after weeks and weeks of doing it THEN SAY THAT. Don't lead me to believe that after the first time it doesn't hurt. That is only true in certain situations (wink) excercise is not one of them.
#2. You will start to love it. LIE! I hate it. I hate working out, i hate watching what I eat and I hate sore muscles for three days after doing squats. There is not one thing I love about what I am doing to myself right now.
#3 You will feel AMAZING and ENERGIZED. If by amazing you mean tired and sore and sweaty, your soooooo right. I feel A-EFFIN-MAZING. Amzingly tired and sore and sweaty.Donairs from A1 are amazing...bubble baths accompanied by wine with no kids at the door is amazing....Grown up time with my husband is amazing....the way I feel after working out is not similar to any of these.....well maybe the last one....anyway, moving on.
#4Healthy food is DELICIOUS! Okay, this is a partial truth at best. Yes, a nice juicy piece of fruit, or a really well made salad can be quite tasty. But put either of those things next to a piece of cheese cake or a plate of nachos....I aint picking lettuce outta my teeth in 5 min...i'm asking for more sour cream and salsa. Junky food just taste better. The higher the calories, the more dewishus it is. Deal with it and don't kid yourself.

There is more but I feel like I am sounding terribly angry and bitter....and that would be because I am. But I am still doing it. And I am doing it for the simple fact that the benefits outweight the downfalls. When I can look in the mirror and love (hell I will accept like) the thighs/butt/gut/arms I see and I can run after the kids in the yard without gasping and taking a break every 30 seconds, then the sore muscles, the lack of delicious nachos and the time consumingness (it's a word, shut up) of all this will be worth it.....and if it is not, well A1 better get ready for me because I will be making up for lost time with a vengence.

The proof is in the pudding...or...one week down....10 more to go

Drumroll please, the results are in. It has been one full week of my weightloss excusion and its time to measure up. I had a few people ask what exactly I was doing to lose weight/inches/gasping breaths on stairs and one friend told me I had to list in point form from now on so....
I have:
-stopped drinking wine nightly. I drank wine twice this week, white wine last saturday and red wine on monday for my monday night ritual. It was delicious both times....
-reduced my calorie intake to an approximate 1200-1500 on my good days and not so much on my cheat day. These calories by the way are consisting of much more veggies and fruits and much less carbs though i am still having carbs, i just try to make them whole grain as opposed to bleachy whites.
This also means cheese has taken a major back seat...that one hurt the most I promise you.
-I have committed to at least 30 mins of hardcore excercise (yoga, zumba and stripaerobics to be exact) at least 5 times a week and not allowed myself the excuse of "hey i'm a waitress, I walk constantly" cuz apparently that aint working so much.
-I have literally tripled if not quadrupled my water intake.
-lastly I have made myself accountable for my actions with this blog and by informing my husband and my besties of my plans and my goal. That way thier judging eyes will guilt me into good behavior. I'm joking everyone has been mucho supportive and not at all judgy.

So with the all the above, the results after one week are as follows:
Weight lost :3.5lbs (woot woot)
Inches lost:6.5 (huzzah) 2 from my boobs (d'oh) 1 from my waist (whoohoo) none from my hips (sigh) 1 from my ass (see ya in hell) and most impressive 2.5 from my thigh...i checked that one twice...guess the painful stair climbimg is worth it ay wha?

So yay me! If it aint brok dont fix it so I will continue on my merry way with what appears to be a very sustainable program and hopefully each week we shall see the same kind of results....except you hips...you and i have some work to do.

Blame it on the a a a a alcohol

Oy....thats what i have to say....oy. Last night was my weekly ritual of indulgence with my bestie where we drink a decent sum of wine and then she leaves and I drink another decent amount and usually fall asleep way too late considering I work in the morning. Last night differed not at all and while I was actually in ok shape this morning for work, I have NOT been able to get motivated to do anything...except watch 4 episodes back to back of Degrassi High (yup that happened for real). It doesnt help that my Carmen Electra evil leg work out yesterday has made it hard to sit down today...how am I to keep my momentum up if every time i do a good workout, i cant move the next day...wtf. I am however encouraged that while i gave into the snacking urges last night, which I blame solely on the wine, i was fairly well behaved sticking to celery and cheese whiz and rice cakes. Tonight...can I just say no to birthday cake....probably not. Looks like me and my sore a** legs will have a date with the eliptical....sigh. I have included a picture of carmen electras stomach purely for motivational purposes.

Carmen Electra can bite me...or...The reason you hear weeping when i do stairs today.

So I was lazy yesterday (hey, it was the day of rest and all) and did not actually workout (because apparently running my ass of for 7 hrs as a waitress has done nothing beneficial for my health or figure) so I decided to up the ante today and try "Carmen Electras Fit to Strip". For those of you who are unfamiliar with Carmen and her Stripaerobics, what you have here is smokin hot Carmen Electra teaching you how to dance like a stripper...(ps, i do not look like a stripper when i dance....well possibly an aging stripper with bad knees and a c-section scar, but for those of you who have been to Angies in Moncton, that is about the norm) Anyway I digress, the workout i ATTEMPTED today is Disc 2-Fit to Strip....this is the video designed to GET YOUR BODY READY TO STRIP....and apparently by "get your body ready" they actually mean make your legs and arms so weak that you cant even take your pants off to pee let alone in a sexy way...(doesnt everybody try to pee in a sexy way...?...no?) This video is KILLER. Even the poor instructor had to towel off. I feel that this coupled with my jelly legs and arms and need to through darts at pictures of Carmen Electra means that this work out is prbly going to get results. So I will be adding this to my regime lest I get too bored it my daily torture....It does get better right...at some point I am going to stop begging for death in the middle of my workout.....right?.....Please? At any rate, i need to see results soon because its getting harder and harder to talk myself out of buying a block of cheese and a bottle of wine and saying "F**k it....I like being fluffy."

A&W veggie burgers are NOT just like the real thing....

Worst sleep EVER last night...those kinda nights are going to be the ones where just saying no is gonna be the hardest, nothing helps me relax (pass out) like a glass or two of wine and some brain candy tv....sigh. I did make an interesting discovery however...actually I made a few. Number one discovery was that white wine has half the calories of red wine (cha ching) and number two, the scale states that i lost 2.5 lbs...i know, i cheated, it was supposed to be weekly weigh ins but i wanted to peek...so I've peeked every day at the same time and noticed a definite decrease...even after I had a nasty meal at A&W....I couldn't help it....it's new in town and thier onion rings are so damn good. But that was a slight indulgence and I promise to be good again...every body needs a little treat. I am encouraged by the numbers on the scales though. The tape measurements will be another story i'm sure....

so far so good

On day three of my winelessness...(shut up thats a word) i am feeling fine. The night tremors have slowed considerably and the cold sweats are becoming something I can cope with....ok fine its not that bad..in fact i have noticed very little difference in anything. This leads me to two conclusions. #1 I am not the alcoholic i feared i might be (yay) and #2 this is not a quick fix. I am going to have to keep this up longer than 3 days (boourns).oh well at least I made it two days...usually by now i have been distracted by someyhing shiny and downed 2 glasses of eaglehawk shiraz. ..lets celebrate the baby steps for now..am i right?

Accountability

I have established two things on day 2 of my weight loss journey. #1 Excercise and diet sucks. #2 I need to be accountable for my actions and I work better if i am telling the world what I am supposed to be doing. I'm sure it stems from my constant need for affection and acceptance, but whatever it is, i decided a public blog might best be the way for me to stay on track.
So here is my game plan thus far.
5 days a week I will be working out (alternating Zumba with Yoga meltdown)
I will be cutting cheese (sob) mostly from my diet. I cant take it all out...i just cant. I have however switched to 1% cottage cheese for SOME calcium in my diet.
I have bought a pretty new smoothie/waterglass because apparently I only like water from a straw...whatever that means...and I am now drinking water like it's .....well water.
I will be weighing and measuring myself once a week....wednesdays...and recording my losses and gains on here. If i lose enough I may get brave enough to record my starting numbers and picture...but for right now...I am sooooo not that brave.
And the biggie, I am removing wine from my nightly rituals....waaaahhhhhh.
I love me a glass (or 2 or 3 or....well u get it) of red wine at night after the kiddies are asleep and me and hubby are cozying or Facebook games are calling my name....or soaking in a hot bath....ahhhh. Anyway where was I? Oh yes, I love all these wine moments, but it appears I love them a little too much...like 30-40lbs too much. So I say buh bye to my nightcap and am replacing it with chamomille tea...totally the same thing really....and if i tell myself that enough I may start to believe it .....HA! I will still indulge occasionally, but only if I have been a good girl all week and in better moderation (i.e. one does not need 3/4 of a bottle of wine to relax...this is how alcoholism starts. And don't tell me the french do it...i dont need excuses.)
I am going to try this for one month and see what kind of results I get. Ifthis does not help then it's drastic measures time....thats right...I will have to go to the gym. So wish me luck and watch me shrink!
Cheers!

Dear Red Wine,
I'm breaking up with you. Please dont take this personally, it's not you , but more what you do to ME. Since we have become exclusive, i have become lethargic, gained weight and lost all my motivation. I am not the person I want to be and I feel that I can only change that by distancing myself from you.
Don't get me wrong, we can absolutely still be friends. I will still see you each Monday night like always when you and I get together with Sarah. Not to mention special occasions and outing with friends. I still love you for who you are, I just cant be with you all the time.I need my space to grow on my own.
I hope you understand and realize that you are still wonderful and loved.I look forward to the next time we meet.
Love,
Jess